I hate online dating. It’s dehumanizing, boring, and in the age of Tinder, pointless. Hundreds of faces litter the app, muscles flexing or double fisting two bottles of Hennessy, and the intentions of those on it are unclear. Tinder is a cesspool of horny men and couples trying to engage in a threesome, yet I still use it. I still update my page with the best photos I can find, add whatever recent song I’m into, and make sure my words to emoji ratio is respectable. I still skim through the thousands of photos in hope that’ll meet someone.
When I do meet someone, it always ends up nowhere. I can never bring myself to actually meet them, filling their inbox with half-assed apologies about how busy my schedule is. I make countless excuses not to go out, and repeat this cycle over and over. It seems pointless to draw people out like this but I still do it. I still don’t think I entirely understand why.
I’ve realized a lot of my dating comes out of pressure. I worry a lot about being alone. I worry that I’m too bold or too ambitious for someone. I reduce myself a lot of others, and for once in my life, I’m not doing it anymore. I’m standing my ground and staying true to myself. At the same time, I’ve given up love in hopes of self preservation. I don’t try to date anymore, tired of the emotional acrobats it ensues upon my life. I don’t want to compromise, a key element in relationship, nor do I want to deal with issues outside of my own.
Maybe I’m just self-centered, a young, ambitious 19 year old trying to challenge everyone’s ideas about society, with zero time to invest into another person. That’s what this time is for, right? To somehow “find myself” as I wade through debt and the many mental breakdowns I have from schoolwork. Maybe there’s too much on my plate and I genuinely can’t emotionally connect with someone on a romantic level because I’m still trying to piece that together for myself.
But maybe, I’m challenging something bigger than some ego. My actions are a direct challenge towards a system that has always connected a woman’s worth to her husband, completely erasing the female autonomy and queer relationships that exist within the female community. My actions are bigger than being a self-centered 20 something year old, but challenging my piece of society that I exist in. I’m here to not only gain an education, but build and organize a community for a movement bigger than myself.