I don’t have much energy today, nor do I feel like I have the mental capacity to really construct a fully developed argument or narrative, but I suppose it’s okay considering one of our candidates for President hasn’t even developed the ability to do so.
October is one of the most stressful times in the semester. It seems like everyone around me is falling apart from the weight of the semester building on their shoulders. Students are forgetting to eat, their weak bodies dragging through campus to get to their next class. Sleep deprived, heavy eyes scan the hallways as the mental checks in every students’ heads click away, reminding them of the lengthy math problems, dense midterm papers, and daunting exams that loom at the end of the day. I’m no exception to this rule, as I feel my emotional capacities run low.
I haven’t worn makeup for almost a whole week. I attend class in the clothing I sleep in, doing the bare minimum for hygiene and showering every 2-3 days. I haven’t been myself recently, and part of this I think is the fact that I analyze everything. My brain is constantly working, fueled off of espresso shots and paranoia that I’ll forget something. Even as I write now, I’m thinking about my weekly checklist. I’m thinking about how good it’ll feel to tick each box off, knowing damn well the list won’t reduce in size.
Right now, I’m trying to power through a rough patch of writers block, which is why all I can really handle to write is a “blab” of all the emotions and conflicting feelings I have. I’m finding a significant amount of comfort in whiny Lana Del Rey songs and naps as I go through this time. It’s taking every bone in my body not to automatically revert back to bad coping mechanisms: bulimic tendencies, isolation, drinking too much. I’m trying to be kind to myself, understanding that it’s okay to go through blocks like this. I’m like a plant trying to push itself to grow and thrive in concrete, and with enough time, strength, and self love, I’ll be able to do so.
To my readers, students especially, I hope you all are taking care of yourself during this crippling time. Makibaka huwag matakot: dare to struggle, don’t be afraid.